Saturday, April 22, 2006

Picture this.

Buying a pack of gum is relatively easy. In comparison, buying a car on Ebay is significantly more painful. And In further comparison, purchasing a home is quintessentially hell on earth. At least this is true if you are me. Idiot theory aside, the process of legally obtaining real estate can be right up there with chewing one's arm off. There are any number of emotions involved, giant piles of money exchanging hands, people to blame, deadlines to miss, negotiations to break down into beligerent "Fuck THEM"s. You want to make a compelling reality show? Follow me as I make a purchase of greater than $5000. The more money, the more agonizing (and therefore entertaining for a third party.) HGTV meets MTV meets HBO meets Pay-Per-View porn (just the scenes where I get bent over by the bank/the seller/the appraiser/the title company/Cable guy.)

Tuesday, April 18, 2006


It's a stab in the dark. But here's a postulate I'm forming: PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS. All of 'em. You. Me. People. Boobs. Morons. Lunatics. The chaos of the universe is nothing held up to the human capacity to be a dumb shit. Witness the people who are willing to hang up the sale of my house over an abandoned boxspring in my garage: Idiots. Me, leaving the fucking boxspring: also an idiot. The woman I'm buying a house from, who spent $63000 upgrading the the hardwood floors in all the closets, who refuses to fix the broken glass in the front door (the door you have to walk up to to enter their over priced house?): Idiot. Her realtor: yup. The appraiser? Yup. It's easy, really. Imagine a person. Any person. Now imagine they've done something nonsensically idiotic. It's easy isn't it? George Bush? Idiot. Oliver North: Fucking IDIOT. John Lennon? Yoko. Idiot. Ghandi? The British had a word for a guy who walked into a riot in a diaper. And it wasn't "genius." You, reading this blog (all three of you-actually I count as number three): Idiots. You, commenting on this blog, with the horns: duh. Here's a website devoted to idiots who can't park. We all know that most republican political figures are idiots. Amazing isn't it. I feel like Good Will Hunting. I've just solved the big equation: People=idiots.