Thursday, March 01, 2007

More than Fair

Ever since I did a series of photoshoots with frequent contributor, Art Streiber (I know I've linked to him before, but it's always nice to check in on what Art has been up to - aside from his Eddie Murphy/Norbit project, that is) I've been a fan of Vanity Fair.

Really, what's not to like? Contributing photographers like Annie Leibowitz? Well, say what you may about Annie, but her photography is beyond reproach. With the exception of a rather poorly cobbled together ad for the Sopranos a few years back that looked like it had been pieced together by Mr. Jenkins after a few martinis.

This month's issue, which I almost threw out my back hoisting off the supermarket rack this evening (shut up, all of you) offers '500 pages of glamour, gowns and gams'. READ: 500 pages PLUS at least 500 full page ads and a serious Hollywood thread.

It's a fucking tome. It weighs so much, they double bagged it (not kidding - although they double bagged a single can of corn for me last week, so that may just be overzealous baggotry).

The cover folds out, not once, but TWICE! That's how many goddamned cover stories are in it - there are cover 2 and cover 3 stories. Frankly, if I'm 'The Navy Lawyer who took on the President', I'm like 'W.T.Fuck, yo? I'm so deep into cover 3, I'm behind the lights, the bucket of plaster on the floor and I'm sharing space with some stinky-assed penguins backstage?! I took on the Commander in Chief and I'm sharing Cover 3 with Farstein on Weinstein and Feinstein on Kitty Carlisle Hart? Which is a pretty juicy story if you manage to pick up a copy. Use your legs!

I've been reading it for two hours-plus the three minutes I spent while super bagger bouble bagged a dozen bottles of orange juice for the hapless woman in front of me- and I haven't even gotten to the contributors section. This thing is goddamned HUGE! It's huger than huge. It's an epic. An epic of magazine publishing. The poor production staff must be near dead with a stage 4 episiotomy, lying limply in their own sweat in some bar somewhere, trying to get up the courage to go home and finally face their spouses for the first time in three months.

But that's life at Vanity Fair. Cranking out the photo exclusives, the political whodunnits, and all that wonderfully out-of-my-league style. You gotta hand it to 'em -that is if you can lift it. Did I mention it's bigger than my yellow pages? If I dropped it, I'd crack the foundation of my house. If I swung it, I could be accused of attempted assault with a deadly magazine.

All right-time to go pour over perfectly specimens Kate Winslet and Kirsten Dunst.

Unnnnngh. C'mon. Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngh. *pant* *pant*

Did I mention it's big? Only $4.95.

Pic: Vanity Fair (photo: Annie Leibowitz)


Make the logo bigger said...

Stiller and the word Oscar together. Just doesn’t seem right.

James-H said...

I think they were going for big.