Saturday, February 07, 2009

Fucking Economy

I am hated at Walmart.

That's right.

I strode into Walmart tonight with my reusable bags and a shopping list. And I was hated.

I was hated for caring about the environment. When the economy is shit, the environment is last. "Oh, lookit mister reusable bags with the Central Market logo on them. where's your Central Market now, buddy? I see you buying 57 cent bunches of parsley. At Walmart."

I was hated for grabbing "anti-microbial tissues" off the shelf without so much as a second glance at whether or not they were on sale. Call me a sucker for advertising, but if you can develop - or convince the FDA to let you claim to develop - a tissue that kills booger germs, I will gladly pay an extra 50 cents per box for the peace of mind.

I was hated for walking out with an unbagged humidifier, which I clearly stole. The woman skulking in the giant exit cavity picked me out like a felon in a lineup. "Sir!" she barked, as my son and I marched through the security scanners. "Sir, I have to check your bags. Do you have a receipt for that humidifier?"

I took some offense at this. Do I really look like the kind of guy that would steal a humidifier? I know that in today's economy, no fine upstanding citizen is beyond reproach. But c'mon. A humidifier? THAT's the way I'm going down? By her?

I suppose desperate times make for desperate people. And I pray there is not a day when I am desperate to the point of stealing semi-medical supplies at Walmart.

3 comments:

J_Fox said...

Actually, you were hated for not wearing spandex stirrup pants three sizes too small.

Mike, The Other Side said...

Were you wearing your John Deere mesh baseball cap? See, that was your downfall ...

Kristen Bassick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.